[hip-hop music]
If you're here for the GED, please have a seat.
We will begin in exactly two minutes.
Would you like to find a desk?
Yeah, I'll do that, right after you find a personality.
Am I right?
Morning burn.
Get it while it's hot.
Oh, now it's cold.
Miss Russell, is it?
Oh, please, my friends call me Gene.
- Okay, Gene. - Oh, you're not my friend.
- Miss Russell. - Present.
Miss Russell!
You can leave if you want to.
It doesn't matter to me.
The test begins now.
I stayed.
Good for you.
"A man rents a vacuum cleaner for $28.84
from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m."--
You're speaking out loud, you know?
Huh? Oh, sorry.
♪ We're too gangsta for TV
♪ That's why you don't see us ♪
♪ But they still wanna be us ♪
Ha ha!
I worked so hard!
- You know what? - [inhales sharply]
Screw it.
Prison might not be that bad.
We both watch "Orange Is the New Black."
You could be the head of
some Christian methy white power posse in--in two days.
No, I don't know if I would,
because I passed the test.
- What? - I passed the test.
- You passed the test? - I got you, you brainy bitch!
You got big ol' brains, bitch.
You got big ol' brains, bitch!
Well, I got big ol' brains
'cause you gave me big ol' brains, you bitch.
What'd you say, ol' bitch?
I can't understand you when you talk in that register, bitch.
[laughs]
Yeah, it was crazy.
I kept guessing answers, but these times,
the guesses were, like, different than regular guesses.
They were like super guesses.
Well...
maybe you just learned something.
Yeah, maybe. Who knows?
Don't hold your breath, coach.
[both laugh]
- So what are you gonna do now? - Well...
It feels like your life kind of has no purpose
now that I've passed my GED.
Well, I didn't want to steal your spotlight...
[imitates creaking] - What?
But I had a phone interview yesterday with UCLA,
and there's an opening in the history department,
so all I've got to do is nail my demo lecture tomorrow,
and it's all good, baby!
I'll get it. Can you grab my water?
- I'm a little thirsty. - Oh, yeah.
Getting sweaty with some b-ball!
- Strenuous. - Thanks.
- Tomorrow? - What's wrong with that?
Uh, nothing, except you have a fear of public speaking.
I mean, have you been working on this at all?
Well, I have been teaching you for a year.
Yeah, but I'm, like, one person and an excellent pupil.
Slam dunk!
Yeah, well, I've been working on my lectures.
It's not like I'm gonna go in cold, you know?
Nothing but net!
Oh, my God.
It's a taco that tastes like a Dorito.
This is nuts.
Tell me the truth. If it's bad, I can handle it.
It's not gonna be bad. Let's hear it.
Come on. Whoo, Billie!
All right.
Oh, I'll wait.
Billie, there's gonna be a lot of people staring at you.
Actually, this might be good practice.
- Stay there, Joy. - All right.
The flaming arrow was first discovered by Sir Gawain of Noth
when he pulled his own arrow from a burning body
only to find the tip ignited.
How can I appreciate medieval weaponry
if I'm not familiarized
with the political diaspora of the time?
Let's get--
And that's what really puts the sword in the...
In the stone.
[clears throat]
Shut up.
Oh, my gosh, how long was I-- how long were you talking?
Like, two hours?
Five minutes.
Oh, my God.
That was, like, the best sleep I've ever gotten.
[breathing irregularly]
Are you laughing or are you crying?
This is laughing.
Okay, let's do
some confidence-building exercises, yeah?
Okay.
Okay. First off, no notes.
All right? Notes are for nerds.
That's why they both begin with the letter N.
I think you gave me a paper cut.
Oh, let me see.
- Ahh! - Second rule: Toughen up.
You got to walk in that classroom like you own a joint.
- Marijuana. - Can I have a Band-Aid?
It's bleeding now.
And C: just like in prison,
you want to find the baddest badass and kick their ass bad.
Okay, this sounds dangerous.
Oh.
[low-pitched voice] It is.
Do you have something in your throat?
Yeah, there is something. I think it's Dorito.
[Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" plays]
♪
Motivate me. Teach me.
- I'm trying. - Motivate.
The flaming arrow!
♪ 'Cause I've been blasting and laughing so long ♪
♪ That even my mama thinks that my mind is gone, but-- ♪
♪ Been spending most their lives ♪
♪ Living in a gangsta's paradise ♪
♪ Been spending most their lives ♪
♪ Living in a gangsta's paradise ♪
♪ We keep spending most our lives ♪
♪ Living in a gangsta's paradise ♪
Congrats, teach.
You've officially got my attention.
Oh, nice.
You think-- yeah, you think I can do it?
Does a bear sit in the woods?
Oh, yeah. I guess it does.
Unless it's a polar bear. Then it sits in a frozen tundra.
Billie.
"Just remember, you're 'someting' special.
"Oops, I said 'someting' instead of 'something.'
Makes me sound hella Asian."
Hella Asian or hella racist?
- Oh. - 'Cause you said "someting."
I was just reading something else that someone wrote.
I like Asian.
- What about 'em do you like? - Oh, like, I like--
'Cause I can't think of a thing.
- You really-- - What up? I'm Cal, Ren History.
- I'm joking around. - Oh, oh.
I'm shock-proof when it comes to comedy.
[nervous laugh] Oh, good, good.
- I'm not racist at all. - Good.
My first wife was half African-American.
Oh, congrat...
- Maybe a quarter. - ulations.
- You must be Ms. Brown. - I am.
- So you're guesting? - Yes.
The kids are on fleek. You're gonna dig 'em.
- Yeah, yeah. - You ready to do this?
I'm a little--to--honest, I'm a little nervous.
- Yeah, great to meet ya. - Great to meet--
- Welcome. - Thank you.
- Right on, welcome. - Right on, welco--
- Right on, welcome. - Thank you.
And voila.
Hmm?
"Ankle deep in dat dick."
Oh, crap. I forgot about that.
As a representative of the state of California,
you, Genevieve Russell...
Oh, my friends call me Gene.
Have officially completed the full term of your house arrest.
You're not my friend. Get it?
In compliance with your parole,
you are obligated to acquire a job within 30 days.
If not, you will have to continue your sentence
either in the house, or worse, jail.
What are you talking about?
I was looking forward to the surprise
I was gonna see on your face at this moment.
Why are you excited about that?
It's just as I pictured it.
In all sincerity,
I know this has been a tough road for you,
and congratulations.
- That means a lot to me-- - [laughs]
Did you just laugh?
I don't think so.
[hip-hop music]
Thank you.
[slow clap]
[all clapping]
Whoo!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
What's up, dorks?
[all laugh] Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're the coolest, Professor Crame.
Oh, cool it, Vance.
But thank ya.
- We have a guest speaker. - What?
all: Aww.
Guys, be easy.
She's here to talk about weaponry--
exciting-- of the mid-1600s.
I pass the torch.
Give her a round of applause, the way we do!
[applause]
It's all yours. Take 'em away.
These kids are on fleek. Run.
All right.
Just gonna get this up...
here. [chuckles]
[quiet guitar music]
♪
[sighs]
Oh, it's colder.
Should have brought a jacket.
Tropical fruit bars. Hmm.
Hi, I'm Gene.
"Income tax."
Gross.
Oh, yeah, man.
"Help wanted"?
Jobs. Job.
Nah, man, you wish.
[hip-hop music]
Nice pink blanket.
The halberd,
both a sticking knife--
whoa--and a hook axe.
The halberd was also originally used, funnily enough, for?
Anyone?
[cell phone rings]
Would you all--
Guys, turn your phones off.
Uh, have a little respect for the process.
[whispers] I think I'm just gonna go early.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
I don't think I'm cut out for--
Earth?
[all laugh]
[laughter becomes slow and distorted]
Gene: Remember, Billie: WWMPD.
What would Michelle Pfeiffer do?
Thanks, Gene.
Ms. Brown, is there a problem?
Yeah, her lesson.
Hey, jean jacket.
What?
[Bleep] you.
[Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" plays]
Y'all think this is funny?
[imitating laughter]
- Take that out of your ears. - Steven, leave it in.
- He has a hearing aid. - Oh.
This [bleep] ain't funny.
Ain't nothing funny here.
Do I look like a stand-up comedian?
Do you see a brick wall behind me?
Do I resemble Bernie Mac?
This [bleep] right here,
this [bleep] right here is real.
Okay.
'Cause this is about your minds.
Your dangerous minds.
What?
And I'll tell you what, gangstas, playas, player hatas--
Don't do that.
- My book. - Your book is history.
Boom. Y'all feel me?
I'm sorry, what? Do you feel me?
- Yeah. - Do you feel me?
Ms. Brown, do you have anything to teach?
I said, "Do you feel me?"
- all: Yes. - Cool.
Ms. Brown, can I speak with you outside
for a minute, please?
Yeah. Come on.
[slow clap]
Don't do it, guys, unless you want to.
But if you don't want to, you don't have to do it.
[Bleep] you.
Name? Gene.
Sex? Yes, please.
"Austin Powers" ref.
That's gonna get me the job for sure.
City?
- Excuse me. - Oh, my gosh.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I didn't see you. - Don't worry.
It happens all day long.
- Oh, do you work here? - Nope.
But I did in Nam.
This place really brings me back.
I was a prisoner of war, you know.
I know what you mean. I sort of was too.
Well, thank you for your service.
Oh, trust me. You'd know if I serviced you.
[chuckles] Afternoon burn.
I sit here every day in awe of how the world
will never know the things I've seen.
Unless you've been in our shoes, there's no way to explain it.
You're right, new Chet.
Cheteran.
We've seen some [bleep].
I saw some this morning.
You ever had a taco that tastes like a Dorito?
They tell you to conform. "Go get a job."
Does Uncle Sam call me and ask me if I'm ready?
I've served my time, America, so I ain't moving.
Come on, Grandpappy.
Let's go home.
Remember what I said.
Hey.
Psych about wanting a job.
I served my time.
We're gonna reject your application.
- Okay. - Listen. What's the old saying?
"Those who can't teach,
well, they just live." - Mm-hmm.
So just live your life, but you ain't gonna live it here.
Peace. You're dead to me.
Stupid UCLA.
I'll show you, CLA.
[laughter] - Surprise!
Hey, Rob! We wanted to throw you and Gene
a little party for all your hard work,
and I invited all your friends.
See, there's Gene, and there's Joy over there,
and the ambassador to Palau right there.
- Great friends. - Mm-hmm.
I think I'd rather just go to my room and hang myself.
No, come on, you do that every night.
Attention, everybody.
Our little Robert over here has had some big news too.
- I didn't--I-- - Yes, she did.
She got offered a position of a professorship at UCLA.
Whoo-hoo!
I guess they do that with women too.
I don't know. [laughs]
You got that, right?
I--y--
- I did. I got it. - Yeah.
I got it. [nervous laugh] Let's party.
[all cheering]
I love parties!
- And Japan. - You love Japan.
Congratulations.
My nephew is a sophomore at UCLA.
I'll have him take your little class.
Uh, you could, or you could--
and I mean this in the nicest possible way--
mind your business/ shut the [bleep] up.
Sorry.
Did you know that apparently I have to get a job
or I go back on house arrest?
Well, too sad, so bad, Sister Sergeant.
I ain't doing it. It's bull[bleep]!
You want to talk b-[bleep]?
I did what you told me to do. I Pfeiffed it out.
And thanks to your brain-dead brain's advice,
my dream job went down the dream drain.
I am very mad and very upset about everything you just said,
but I would also like to switch gears
and say how happy I am that you didn't get it,
because now you can stay with me
and you can go with me to the Army surplus store,
and I can park my wheelchair, and you can change my catheter.
I would never, ever stay here, even if you paid me,
which you already did.
I would rather kill myself than stay here another day, bitch.
Excuse me?
I called you a bitch.
Well, you know what, bitch?
Why don't you get in a car and find a cliff,
and then, when you find that cliff,
take the car that you're in and drive off of a cliff,
you freaking bitch?
Good advice. I will.
- And you know what else? - What?
I'll land in the ocean
because I am smart enough to build a car that floats,
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" -style, you [bleep] bitch.
Okay, well, I have several shark homies
that I can reach out to, and they could smell you
and lead me to you, you [bleep] bitch.
Well, then, I'll give 'em a little shark sleeping pill,
and they'll be all like, zzz, [chomping],
you Shirley Temple-headed bitch!
I am not a drink!
Cheteran was right.
You have no idea what I've been through.
And what is that?
3 ounces of weed and a box of honuts?
- What are honuts? - Donuts for whores.
All right. Attention, everyone.
Tonight is about my lovely daughter, Gene...
[loud fake cough] The nightmare.
And her brilliant tutor, Roberta.
- [fake cough] The nightmare. - I already did that.
Now, I understand Robert has prepared a little something,
- have you, Robert? - No.
I have something prepared that's better, so can I...
All right, honey. Yeah, go ahead.
This is better than whatever Billie was gonna say.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people
that helped me through my sentence.
Uh, of course there's my loving father, Dad Russell.
[applause]
Um, big ups to my awesome stepmother from another brother.
Where's Tanzy?
You're welcome.
[applause]
Uh, the mail guy always brought cool letters
and fun coupons, so let's give it to--give it up for him.
[applause]
And, oh, my gosh.
I almost forgot the most important person.
Wow.
She's the, uh, wind beneath my chicken wings.
My best friend
and the person I trust the most.
Joy.
[cheers and applause]
- Thanks, Joy. Thank you. - Excuse me.
- All set? - Yeah.
And, oh, almost forgot about Robert's slide show.
- Robert, are you here, bud? - No!
I've got it, Mr. Russell.
All right.
[gentle music plays]
Oh, that's us.
[laughter]
all: Aww.
That was nice. Nice.
♪
[sirens approach]
Uh, I'm sure everything's just, uh, fine.
[clears throat]
Sirens!
Hello--evening, officers.
- What can I do you for? - We got a call.
There's a woman looking like she's gonna jump.
- What? Oh! - Oh, [bleep], Billie.
Ma'am, please do not jump.
I'm not gonna jump, you idiot. I just needed some air.
Stop looking up my dress, Ambassador.
- I can see you. - I can't understand the jumper.
Here, give it to me. Give it to me.
Billie.
It's me, Gene,
from when you interviewed for the babysitter position.
I know who you are.
I'm sorry, okay?
The truth is, no one knows
what I've been through this year but you,
and I'm scared to death of moving forward
without you helping me all like, "Gene, do this,"
or, "Gene, you're allergic to that,"
or, "Gene, you've already seen 'Center Stage, ' remember?
"It's the one about the competing ballerinas
and eating disorders."
No more examples! I get it.
Point is, I took it out on you, and that's not fair.
I need to let you move on,
even if I'm too scared to myself.
I'm scared too.
I can't even hear a word.
- You guys? - No, uh-uh.
Are you just yawning a lot?
I'm talking. I'm not that far away.
Okay. I'm gonna toss this up.
Nice catch.
- Yeah, good deal. - Yeah.
I'm scared too.
I'm scared I'm gonna be a failure--
[alarm goes off] Oh.
I'm sorry. Weird beep.
[alarm continues]
[crowd gasps] - Oh. Oh. Oh.
- Oh, got it. - I'm sorry.
- Go get her. - Gentlemen, please.
If you could just-- - No, no, no, no.
- She's coming in. - Oh.
- Whoops. - Hey, pigs!
Uh, [bleep] you.
- Okay, let's go. - Honey, no.
That's not-- Gene, that's not good.
- I'm so sorry. - Gene, I'm coming.
- Billie, run! - Oh, whoa, whoa. Careful.
That's my little girl there. What's the rush, huh?
Where's the fire, huh? Why don't you--
I got an idea. Why don't you both stay, huh?
You can stay, have a couple of piña cop-ladas.
I'm gonna write an amount down on a little piece of paper.
You're gonna be very happy.
You'll never take us alive!
[laughs]
[laughing] Holy [bleep], Billie!
I can't believe you just did that.
I love you, Billie.
I love you too, Gene.
[sirens, police radio chatter]
[dramatic choral music]
[grunting]
♪
Gene!
It won't open.
What are you doing?
Don't get out.
- I was trying to escape. - Hurry, hurry.
I was trying to go out the back.
- They're coming. - What?
They're coming!
♪
- So many adventures. - They're right behind us.
It's like "Bill & Ted's," but it's "Bill & Gene's."
It's not us. They went that way.